A solitary lamp lights the small efficiency I call my home making the far corners dim and secretive. The white drapes billow from the movement of the white ceiling fans. My friend from Lanzarote would call it the tierney of the color white. Miles Davis plays from a turntable in the corner, his chaotic trumpet oozing through the small, cramped quarters.  The dark, calico feline sprawls across the top of the sofa cushions, precariously positioned for an eventual slide that will disrupt her sleep. Outside, a thunderstorm growls refusing to give rain and, every so often, my eyes catch a flash of light sneaking through those white linen drapes.  By the time I look, its gone and any glance out the window proves fruitless as if that was the last bolt of the night.

I heard a quote by, of all people, Russell Brand that gave me pause.

Fear is more powerful than faith.

It was in regards to the Scots deciding to stay with the United Kingdom instead of becoming an independent state but that’s not why the quote hit me hard.

I have the ability to seize new opportunities and faith has me pondering these options and fear makes me want to fall back in line with the path I have followed for decades. Yes, my career has been very good to me and I don’t regret a day of it. However, I don’t have that passion for it as I did once. I am looking for a career that drives me, ignites my spirit and satisfies my soul. I no longer want to work for a paycheck only.

If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. -Marc Anthony

I am not as lucky as many folks I know who have had a talent or a passion for something they have been able to form into a job, a hobby or a backup plan. I have been scattered, sporadic and detached from any dream so I can’t say I am going to quit and become an opera singer. I could but we all know I can’t sing.

All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.  -Andre Breton

I recently met an artist who owns a gorgeous home on the water. She works from home creating commissioned art as well as she runs vacation rentals out of her two homes. She does very well with the rentals. I’m sure at some point in her life, she had a day job that consistently and comfortably paid the bills but she made a conscientious decision not to continue with that life. What’s funny is, with her two careers, she probably works 7 days a week but she really enjoys what she does. She loves to speak about her art and her current project and she also loves meeting the guests who stay at her homes and shares fond stories of their visits. The vacation vocation creates the time and the funds that allows her to create her art. Sounds like she followed her heart.

One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.  -William Feather

Just like everyone else, I am afraid. I fear the uncertain path, the loss in income, failure, embarrassment, and disappointing others. I most fear hurting myself. But I need to set that aside and not let it stop me. I’ll be mad at myself either way; for failing, yes but also for not starting or trying. Maybe I’ll succeed and no one needs to be mad?

If ever my body should stop

where I cannot be of use or work

set me in this room

my chair facing out the windows

as I could not tire of the views.

In the morning, early, face me to the south

where the birds peck on the seeds dropped

from the night rain and wind.

The pigeons, the finches and the mocking jays

move from spot to spot and from tree to tree.

I will never tire of their feeding dances

and their ascents and descents before my eyes.

In the afternoon when the high sun touches my skin

and warms, too much, my face,

place me in the northeast corner where the shadows start to play.

And the vines reach high using the palms and the ficus

as ladders and whose flowers

the butterflies and moths and dragonflies

find sweet nectar to the taste.

As they flutter and zip erratically  

outside my window frame,

I’ll try to see and watch them all.

As does my feline visitor who does the same

from her vantage point on the window sill.

And we’ll gaze for what seems hours

until we both fall quietly into a nap

while the creatures and the breezes still move outside our closed eyes.

When I awake from my slumber, later in the afternoon,

move my chair to the southwest corner

where the sun is still fighting for sky

from its opponent the black clouds

that bring in the early evening storms.

I will watch as the hawks and falcons

glide the wind currents up high

in a game to see how long they can go without a flap of the wings.

And I watch and I count, deciding the victor.

My eyes will move to the clouds, carefully watching their patterns,

which way they go and at what speed,

to calculate if my home, my sanctuary, will be visited

by the impending downpour.

Or, if it will dodge west making way to the upper north country.

And when I hear the grumbles behind me,

I’ll spin my head around,

as I have full windows on 3 walls,

to see if my storm to the west

will meet weather coming from the north or the east.

Combining coastal air and everglade heat

for a possible intense show of light and noise and winds.

This is where I want to be

should I have no other choice

but to sit and gaze.

9/7/2014 Lake Worth, FL