Drake's Passages Chapter 20

It’s been a few weeks and I think I am doing very well. I still have my moments of exhaustion and being peaked but, all in all, I am perky and playful. One thing that has come back strong is my appetite...man can I eat!! After all the food is gone, I stand there and lick my bowl clean which has often times inspired by dad to give me more food. Yum!! I’m not as energetic so I don’t chase the toy with Dazey but I will steal it from her and just sit down and hold on to it. Tee hee!! She gets so upset and looks to mom and dad for assistance but, since I’m “sick” and “possibly dying”, they do nothing but ooh and aah over me while scolding her. Yes folks, I am working this Golden retriever torture for all it’s worth. She may end up killing me herself if I continue to get all this preferential treatment. If I end up mysteriously dead one day, tell the cops that Dazey did it!

I hope I stay around a lot longer as my parents have bought a RV...I love RV’ing so much! Those things are so fun and we go up in the mountains and camp and hike and have a campfire. I curl up between the captain seats and sleep for the ride then I zoom around crazy sniffing every tree, rock and log. I pee on my perimeter then stake my place by the BBQ grill for possible food droppings. It brings out my ancestral tendencies except for the river. I hate the river.

I also hope to be around for the holidays as I get to see all my family and we play around with the wrapping paper plus there is always new toys under the tree for me. I like adding more stuffed animals to my collection.

My mom says 2015 has been a tough year so I’d like to be around in 2016 to see my mommy less stressed and, of course, when mommy is happy so is Dad. Definitely a year I’d like to be in audience for. Well, I’m just going to keep being optimistic and rest when I can. I know my parents and my vet will be taking great care of me and all my family and friends will be saying prayers and sending me well wishes. All that love has got to carry me through for a good long time, right?

Thanks for reading my story dear reader. I hope you are lucky enough to have an animal in your life that brings you joy and fun memories. I can speak for all of us when I say us animals love you and enjoy your company and its your time and care that is invaluable to us. And, when you have a bad day, we will cheer you up with kisses and pets and, when we are bad, please forgive us because we don’t always realize what we’re doing. Chewing your favorite shoe was our way of being close to you while you were gone. We miss your company!

I'll leave you now with my words of advice: play hard, love unconditionally and rest well. XXOO

Drake's Passages Chapter 19

Doggoneit, it’s nice to know you’re appreciated. Helps me get back on my feet again. I hold no delusions that when I am feeling 100%, that those girls will be back to their femme fatale ways. Until then, I will relish in the overly attentive, comforting sisterly love I am getting. I’m back from the hospital and am really enjoying doing my “business” in my own yard as the meds have my system whacked so I need to get out there often and I like my privacy doing so. I have to admit I am feeling Drake-ish again which is such a relief since I was feeling underdoggish for the last several months plus. My stomach isn’t being dragged down by that tumor and I feel less bloated than before. My first day back and I had steak fat and beer...life is good again! Bad news is that it sounds like my Christmas’s are numbered as the cancer has attached to every abdomen located organ it could but Dr. Huston did her best and she is my angel. I’ve had many angels in my life so I am blessed. I’m going to enjoy every drop of life I can until I cross the “rainbow bridge”. This is a name my mommy says with her fingers held in the quotation mark position and I can tell she thinks it’s a silly name but I think she laughs it off because the humor keeps her from crying. I don’t want to make my mommy cry.

Drake's Passages Chapter 18

Drake was gone for 2 days and I had some time to reflect upon the dynamic of the family. Despite his freakish tongue and his ability to bowl over everything in the house in his pursuit of Drakeness, I knew his absence would greatly affect us all. There was a certain something missing from our days. The exuberance he puts out, the zaniness of his actions and the loving way he treats our parents is something amazing we get to feel daily. The family life seems flat without him. His energy is uplifting and this is coming from a retriever who won’t stop chasing the toy regardless of weather, health or physical aches. He is our Drakestar and I hope all of my lasting days are spent with him.

Drake's Passages Chapter 17

Dazey and I feel sooooo bad about Drakey. We’ve known for a while that he was sick but we had no way to make Mom and Dad understand. I made sure to cuddle up with him as much as I could. With his fever and it being summer, I couldn’t do it for long before I would start panting. I know Dazey was being extra nice to Drake too. When Mom and Dad left with him to the vet office, she and I just stood quietly watching at the front door window hoping he would come back but our joy, upon his return, was short lived when they took him back the next day and Mom LEFT HIM THERE!!! We didn’t understand why she would come back alone so all kinds of bad things ran through our mind until I heard mom talking to Dad about it. I told Dazey he was getting an ultrasound, whatever that was and, when he came back, his tummy was all shaved. We had to sniff him because he smelled funny but I had to laugh at Dazey when she started licking the lotion off his skin. Super yuck!!

I am feeling very blue and worried about Drake’s surgery. I want everything to go well and I don’t want there to be any further bad news. I love my brother very much and he means the world to me.

Drake's Passages Chapter 16

So lately, I’ve haven’t been feeling so hot. My tummy hurts and I have a temperature...all I want to do is lie around and sleep. I’m not even hungry!  I can tell my folks are worried as they fawn all over me to the point my mom is hand feeding me. I can’t deny that I should have faked something years ago to get this special treatment. We took a car ride which I was hoping was to Cascade to see my Grandparents but it turned out we went to see my doctor. She checked me out and I got worried when I saw the look on her face. I barked at her to stop shaking her head because it was freaking me out. Mom and Dad left the room after sadly waving goodbye and they took me to the lab in the back where they took blood and put me under this camera like thing. I was relieved to be back with my parents a short time later when we all hung out in a comfortable office and talked to the doctor. From what I understood, my tummy hurt because I have a large ball (is it something I swallowed?? I can’t remember!!) in my abdomen that is causing a lot of issues. Didn’t realize this but mom said I had been farting all night long and I was surprised because my farts usually wake me up.

The next day I had to go back to see the doctor for a different test. There was a man doctor this time who shaved part of my belly hair and rubbed cold gooey lotion on my tummy. He massaged it with this roller apparatus which actually felt good and helped me pass some more gas. Again, we all met to discuss those results which, it turned out, I had a tumor on my spleen which needed removal. Yikes! I was glad it wasn’t something I swallowed but I knew what it meant as you’ll remember in Chapter 1 where I recounted my tales of eating bad stuff that got me operated on when I was a pup. I  just hoped these parents wouldn’t give me up like my old parents did.

I was relieved when Dad said to schedule the surgery and that he would take the day off from work. I was sure Dr. Huston would get this grapefruit sized tumor out of my body so I can feel better.  I just don’t feel like my old self anymore.

Drake's Passages Chapter 15

I may be a bed hog but I am not much of a camera hog. I don’t like that thing pointed at me and it always makes me paranoid wondering what I am doing to warrant a picture taken. I know I get my baggy lips caught in my teeth, I’ve heard mom comment a few times about those pics and when I sleep so hard my tongue will slip out. She’s got some pictures of that too. I’m sure there’s blackmail pics of me sleeping with my head on my stuffed toys and sometimes she places them so I look even dorkier than I probably already did. Then there’s horrible pictures of me in silly Halloween costumes, Christmas neck bells, goggles and the cone of shame. The thought of what's on mom's Facebook makes me cringe!  I’m going to take one of the pictures of me drinking beer and turn my parents into child services! Just kidding...I love beer!

Drinking beer with my dad

Speaking of beer, I'm a man's dog. I only drink Coors Light and when Dad's drinking the silver bullet, I'm right there by his side staring and drooling. He yells at me because I slobber drool from the moment he pops the top to when he finally gives me that last swallow. He says I’m the reason he drinks beer too fast.  Mom tries to entice me with her local frufrubeers or those hoppy, organic microbrews. Yea, right toots! Real dogs drink real beers...hooooowl...right from the streams of the Rocky Mountains (my favorite place to visit). However, those sea salt organic chips from the people's republic of Boulder are delish and they make me want to put on my tie dyed collar and get into the downward dog pose.

Ommmmmmm….ommmmmmm

One healthy food I like is apples and not in a passing kind of way. When I see Dad eating one, I start to drool and when I eat an apple, I gobble the whole thing...core and all. In the fall, Dad and I eat Jonathan apples. I wait all year for fall so I can have some.

Drake's Passages Chapter 14

You can tell Fluffy McHairball that I know about her precious hips. I may not be the pinnacle of canine agility which gives me more time to observe the world and I can see how labored it is for her to get on the couch or the bed. It’s simply ridiculous how long she will prance around the bed practicing her vault entry. Try ten minutes...seriously! And she thinks we don’t know her dysplasia is worse than ever? Queen of de Nile if you ask me.

My short little legs do give me problems but I’m tough and I deal because I'm fabuuuuulous. I actually like laying on the couch because I lay in Dad’s spot after he goes to bed. It’s nice and warm and he leaves plenty of blankets and pillows to cuddle up with. Usually about 3 or 4 in the morning, I get a chill and go lay in bed next to mom. Her body temperature is always higher so Drake and I both spoon her where she keeps us toasty and warm.  I like their bed and, after they get up for the day, I roll around in their blankets on my back getting my itches scratched.

                   Fabuuuuuulous!

Drake's Passages Chapter 13

Drake is a obnoxious bed hog and the only thing Hadley and I agree upon is that there is not enough room on the bed for us when Drake is around. She sleeps on the couch and I sleep on the “mill” which is short for million dollar bed. It got it’s name after mom and dad brought it home from one of their Costco shopping sprees (which we love because that’s where our favorite boar treats come from).  After they placed it near their bed, we all fought to sleep in it which gave our parents more room in their bed so, to them, this made the bed worth millions.

As I’ve gotten older, I rarely get on the bed mostly because I can’t jump up there but please don’t tell the psychopath that because she would get on the bed and taunt me from up high with her high pitched yip and her waggling mini-stump. The embarrassment would send my head spinning! She already bites at my hips when she’s feeling frisky so I don’t want her to know how much they hurt. Personally, I think we all are having a harder time jumping up on the bed these days.

I pretty much own the mill now. You can find me there most days and nights but it makes me so mad when Drake decides to lay in it. There are plenty of other dog beds to lay on and, every so often, I lay next to him on the mill just to scare him. He’ll sit there wide eyed with his head back like he’s waiting for me to attack him. Haha! Old lady still has game, right?!

Drake's Passages Chapter 12

 My parents have a granddaughter named Ariel and my life got so much better when she came into it. Yea, she’s a cutie and all but, for a while, she was the perfect height to give “drive by” kisses to. She got smart though and when her daddy would drop her off at our house, she would make him hand her straight to my mommy but she eventually had to come down to my level. Despite her running away and shouting “no Drake”, I always got a kiss or two from her and she would giggle and we would have fun.

See? Perfect height!

The bestest part of Ariel was the way she would take her afternoon snack over to the coffee table then proceed to become entranced in an episode of Scooby Doo at which time I would steal a cookie or two from her pile. This is one of the reasons I got the name Mr. Opportunity as I was always in the right place at the right time. If mom dropped a food morsel on the floor, I was ready on point to catch it before she had time to react. This held true for everything except sausage pizza which my mother had amazing retrieval skills when a piece of italian goodness would roll off her slice. My mom could move faster than Lassie to grab that errant sausage piece. Don’t worry reader, she washed it off thoroughly with hot water.

I feel bad for Ariel sometimes. She has been warned and scolded many times about not leaving socks, undies and other Drake favorites lying around the house. She is seven now but still forgets about my eating fetish. Her grandparents run around the house when she’s visiting taking inventory of her clothes and slamming the guest bedroom door shut. I am sorry to cause my family so much anxiety but I can’t help wanting to eat clothes.

I have my bad habits for sure but my favorite one that I will not apologize for is sitting or lying very, very close to my parents. I take over the couch or I lie on the floor on their feet. Yes, you heard it right not at their feet but on them so I can be touching them. I also would jump onto mom’s lap when she was sitting in a rocking chair. Yes, it was awkward trying to get turned around in that small spot then to get comfortable but that’s how I roll! If there was 6 inches between Dad and Mom, I would fit my body in that space and it’s amazing how small I can get.

Speaking of fitting into places, mom and dad haven’t slept next to each other in years. When that TV set turns off I run into the bed and lay down in one of their spots directly falling fast asleep. I’m talking a comatose level of sleep that, combined with my dead weight, makes me impossible to move. I top this all off with a bit of my tongue sticking out from my mouth and they cannot physically move or do they want to move the cuteness that is me. This is how I get the middle spot as they roll me towards the center of the bed. Lights go off, I put my tongue away and reposition my head on one of the downy soft pillows and don’t stir until morning to the sound of the birds chirping and mom yelling at me because I stole all her blankets. This is why they each have an “emergency” blanket. It’s brought out when all the covers have somehow ended up under me and, instead of pulling them out from my sweet slumbering body, they grab the old, small afghans for cover.

See all those old blankets on the bed? Mom and Dad can’t have a nice comforter with us around

When one of our parents is out of town, Daisy and I fight for the top spot. See, whoever gets up high gets the pillow and doesn’t smell all the farts that inadvertently get released through the night. It’s the bestest spot ever and, when I am top dog, I make sure to fart in Daisy and Hadley’s faces. The only better spot is the one Pixie gets as she lays on top of our parents. If I did that they would send me airborn! While mom and dad toss around at night, I use that open space to stretch out even more to where I'm fully extended. Mom is usually the one who wakes up in the middle of the night because she had no room left on the bed and she's lost all her covers....to me! I really don't mean to. Speaking of farts, when either mom or dad is out of town I get all nervous. I don’t quite understand the concept of leaving for days then coming back so I freak out a bit. As my parents will recount, I must hold in my gas because when the MIA parent finally returns home and to bed, I become a farting machine. Much like the practical joke ones but with stinky smells attached. Whoever didn’t travel will tell the other, “I don’t understand, he didn’t fart like this while you were gone”!!

Drake's Passages Chapter 11

I have been silent too long. Me-ow!! This is making me very meowd! I have been part of this dogfunctional family since 2010 and have witnessed this canine controlled house first hand. I am the Esgar’s purrfect cat, Pixie, and I have some cat tattle tails to tell you. Let’s start with the “man of the house” Drake who is so scared he barks at his own farts. Lucky he has a deep bark otherwise people would find out that he is a big sissy boy. I purr-posefully walk next to him rubbing against his shaking legs because he knows what my claws can do to him. He avoids me at all costs except when he’s sleeping in bed where I slowly walk over him to get to my dad’s chest. I can see his eyes open in purr fear upon my passing and I make sure he can feel my sharp nails as I step over his helpless body. Mwah haha and meow Drake! When I’m outside in the backyard and I catch a mouse, I show it to him so he can see what I am capable of and it works. He starts to quiver and runs to his mommy like the wussy boy he is. I will sit on the 2nd story of my condo and wait for him to run by so I can swipe at him. If he were a smart dog, something like a German Shepherd, he wouldn’t walk by when I’m perched there but Drake is not a shepherd and is very reckless. Makes my life meow fun!

When I’m not torturing Drake, I push Dazey’s buttons. Oh she thinks she is the cat’s meow but I get her to show her evil side in front of our parents. When mom and dad are on the couch watching TV and Dazey is in the dog bed by the wall unit, I will go sweetly rub against Dazey. This drives her cat crazy and she bears her sabertooth scowl at me. My years at the feline acting school come in handy and I feign fear and then watch the fireworks. Mom and dad scold her for sneering at me and they pull me up on their lap, petting me and murmuring calming words. I sit and stare hard at Dazey letting her know that I have her number and she better watch herself lest she falls down the pecking order to rock bottom. Mwah hahaha and meow Dazey!

Hadley is my only catfident in the house. She lets me rub on her and she cuddles with me when I’m cold. She’s the only canine I can tolerate and I think is worthy of my catpanionship.

                                                        Me and my BDFF

Drake's Passages Chapter 10

Okay ladies, this book is about me, me, me and we’re all tired of listening to your bickering and your put downs. Am I right Drake loving reader? You want to hear about the adventures of Drake the great who, if he were human, would make chocolate cake. My dad’s parents live up in Cascade where we often visit and it is so much fun to go there because it’s cooler than the city, full of wild animal smells and Mimi often drops food on the floor. One time we walked up the high road where the houses sit up on the mountain side and the grade of the road makes walking hard or at least that’s what mom says! This particular day I was off my leash which always gets me particularly frolic-y so I ran up this steep  driveway where I found myself at the front of a house looking down on my mom and dad standing on the road way down below the hill. I shook my rump as dad hollered for me to come down immediately which made me excited so what did I do? What any 3 year old spaz would do... I took the short cut and ran off the top of the hill. I felt like a superhero, like Wonder Dog, as I sailed through the air and I was thinking how good I would look if I only had a cape! I noticed the shocked look on my dad’s face as I was mid-flight and started to wonder if I had made a tactical error by jumping from the high mountain incline? The landing was rough as I slid across the gravel and  scraped my chin so hard it started bleeding. In my normal fashion, I popped up like I stuck the landing with no injuries. Mom laughed which made Dad mad but he checked me out and I was okay. Years later, Dad can finally relate this to his friends as a funny story.

   My life has been full of these “near misses” brought on by my crazy antics but I have been a lucky boy for sure. I love to jump and I can be pretty acrobatic about it especially when I am jumping for the frisbee. I don’t always catch it but I get cheers from my family saying I did a good job. I love getting praise and it makes my butt wiggle.  

I’ve worn the cone of shame twice and the shocking thing about them is it wasn’t my antics that got me there. Outside of being the most obedient, loving, protective studs on the planet, Boxers have a condition known as Boxer eye. It’s a corneal ulcer and when a Boxer gets one, he will soon have a second one and I was no exception. I had keratotomy performed on both my eyes within a year so I was blessed with wearing the cone so that my eye could heal. I am fairly certain that during these times, my parents wanted to drop me off at the pound. There wasn’t enough Drake charm to offset the carnage I left behind when I bulldozed my way around the house. I ran into shins, I knocked bric-a-brac around and I plowed over the cat many times to one of her heartfelt loud “meows”. The best thing that happened however was when we were living in Florida and mom and dad were in the swimming pool throwing the toy to Dazey and I. Despite my sizable cone, I could still chase the toy and, upon finding it, I could drop the cone around the toy blocking Dazey from getting it plus she couldn’t steal it out of my mouth because she couldn’t get her head in the cone. As us dogs were standing around the pool looking at Dad’s arm to see where he would throw it, he finally released it and I took off for it. Problem was Dazey was standing between me and the ball so I knocked her into the pool during my turn around. I didn’t mean to but couldn’t have planned it better. Tee hee. Don’t panic reader, she’s a water dog so she swam to the steps where she waited for me to return so she could shake off the pool water all over me.

Another time it was my fault was when Dad threw the frisbee too far and I was too intent on catching it. Problem was, I turned and ran head first into the fence. I bounced up, grabbed the frisbee and returned to Dad without uttering an “ouch”.

One vet visit day, the door to the Avalanche was opened so we could run from the house to the truck. Ahead of the pack (of course!), I jumped into the truck however my weight shifted backward and I landed on the ground on my back. Bad doggie words were running through my head but I got up and dad graciously picked me up and put me in the truck. Am I getting too old for the acrobatics of my youth?

Need my toys to make me feel better.

Drake's Passages Chapter 9

Hadley is the only psychopath in the house but Drake is playing neutral to keep both of us happy because it’s better to call us both crazy as we’ll never side up against him. Hmmm, maybe he isn’t that dumb? Hadley is such a hypocrite! She says that “Drakey” and I are stupid for endlessly chasing the toy? At least we have excellent athletic skills unlike you and your unbalanced waddle. Let me tell you about this not so lady like thing Hadley does and you can decide which female pooch is intelligently superior.

Our mom and dad had us all fixed so we do not answer the call of the wild side but, I guess, there’s a little of the innate knowledge in our genes. Problem is Hadley’s DNA was coded wrong and she is confused about the birds and the bees so whenever she gets overly excited, she tries to hump Drake. I do not jest shocked reader! She gets on his back from behind and starts to...oh, it’s too horrifying to relate and us purebreds do not speak of such revolting things! Sadly, he just stands there clueless and Hadley eventually tires and stops. Drake rarely does that disgusting habit but once I saw him try to mount Hadley and she turned on him before he knew what hit him. Hadley is not only a boy humping idiot, she is a hypocrite.

  So clueless!!

Drake's Passages Chapter 8

Thanks for the love, Hadley, I really appreciate your somewhat awkward sisterly affection but you are fibbing about not acting out your bad thoughts.

It’s no secret that Hadley and Dazey do not like each other but I’m the one that has to hear about it from both sides! Hadley will be lying next to me on our living room dog bed complaining about how Dazey is stupid for chasing the ball and how she gets hair all over the house and in the water bowl. Then she’ll yell at me for spending so much time with her playing in the yard.

Sometimes I’ll be outside with Dazey searching for the toy in the bushes Dad threw to and she’ll grumble quietly to me about how Hadley purposely bumps her at the water dish trying to start a fight or how Hadley licks her food bowl immediately after Dazey is done eating.  Dazey thinks Hadley is stalking her and trying to do harm to her. I told her Hadley is too nice to do anything mean to which she rolls her eyes, grabs the toy and runs away.

When someone walks in the front door, they jockey around each other to get right next to the visitor and usually settle to be each on one side. God forbid someone pets one and not the other as we know you have two arms so use both of them for peace sakes! I just stand back, with a toy in my mouth, and keep my distance because I fear they will throw down at any minute.

I’m going to tell you about the time the girls got into a fight mostly because it was one of the few times I was an angel. Me and the girls were running together in the bad yard along the back fence saying hi to doggie friends on the walking path. The sun was out, the air was warm and we had the day off with our parents. Not a worry in sight! We had just made the turn back after giving Tater, the pug, and his dad a good barking to. I was in front as usual and was making my way to the corner of the yard to wait for the next victim to bark at. I heard a loud yelp and I turned to see Dazey’s sabertooth mouth chomping down on Hadley’s chubby cheeks. Blood was dripping from their mouths and they were flailing in a spin cycle of domination. I sprinted to the patio door to alert mom and dad as I was super scared. Finally, they shot out of the house yelling to the girls to stop in voices full of fearful anger. They worked hard to pull their mouths apart but the wounds were fairly superficial however there was an unspoken tension between the two that never went away after that day. There have been a handful of grudge matches between Hadley and Dazey since and they never fail to freak me out. It’s unnerving to see the she devils they turn into clawing and biting with a vengeance that spews from the underworld. I am not exaggerating when I say I am living with two psychopaths!

See how Dazey is flanking Megan’s right and Hadley on the left. And Megan has to appease them by petting each of them. It’s a silent battle we all face.

Drake's Passages Chapter 7

Hi everyone, Hadley Esgar here. I’m here to write a testimonial for the most wonderful brother a girl could ever wish for. He is so cute and fabuuuuuulous!! I came to live with Drakey and the family at 2 years old from a family who couldn’t juggle two little girls and me. Not sure what the problem was as I was the easiest of all of us. They should have kept me and put those two bratty, snot nosed girls up for adoption! I was and am still the perfect child. I was adopted by the Esgar family because Daddykins thought Drakey needed a precious Boxer sister who he could relate to better than the piece of sheepskin retriever mutt with a princess complex and a rubber toy fetish. Enough about that big biatch, let me tell you all about Drake. He is tall, thin with dark brindle and he is very active. Maybe too active? He barely can sit still following mom and dad no matter if they are simply going to the bathroom. I think he has separation anxiety so I constantly sit and lay next to him.

Aren’t these picture of us fabuuuuuuuulous? We make such a handsome pair as we are soul brother and sister. When I tell Drake so, he just looks at me with those confused eyes then leaps away to see which room mommy is walking into. I think he is shy and has a hard time dealing with his feelings. That’s alright, he’s still the best boxer boy in the world!

Drake is always playing with Dazey chasing after her latest favored rubber toy. Right now it’s this hideous blue ball with little nub legs sticking out the side which gives it a more random bounce. I for one will not put that muddy, germ-filled toy in my mouth let alone robotically chase back and forth for hours without reason. It’s below my station in life and it’s below Drakey’s too but he won’t listen to me and keeps playing with that flea bag muppet who’s a poor excuse of a sister. He isn’t stupid like her but I think he likes to stay in shape and it’s really the only way to get serious cardio in during those dog days of winter. It’s the fact he plays with her all the time that makes me INSANE. I want him to cuddle up with me on the couch all day but he will get down and grab the toy from her. She follows him until she can steal it out of his mouth and then he stands and stares at her and the toy for hours. He only comes back to me when he needs a nap and wants to curl up and sleep. She thinks she can woo him with those soft brown eyes, long, athletic legs and her fluffy tail that fans like peacock feathers. She prances around the house with the toy on purpose knowing he will follow her, like a lost boxer puppy, because she enjoys torturing me. It puts me in an emotional state and I give her one of my looks that my parents call the homicidal stare which makes them freak out sternly calling our names and standing between us.

I simply walk away quietly laughing with the voices in my head.  

My “homicidal” stare

Drake's Passages Chapter 6

Yo everybody! Reznor here to tell you what’s up with my home boy Drake. Yo, so I took his toys but he’s got a lot of toys….boxes full of them. Soft animals, plastic balls, Kongs, ropes, frisbees in many forms of destruction. Between yous and me, the kid is a spoiled turd. Dey should take his stud card away from him because below all that tough, alpha bravado, he’s nutting but a stuffed-animal cuddling momma’s boy! Yea, I’m just fooling you! He’s my cous so I gots his back. We play hard when weeze together and we tug and tug on those braided ropes until we’re exhausted! Don’t tell the dope but I let him win so he don’t go crying to his da da and get me in deep trouble with my ma, Katie.

Yo, funny story goes as one time my Granddad Doug was throwing the kong to us and we was chasing it down trying to outrun each other. My grandma was standing there too reading a book absorbed in the story while we played catch. Some say it was an accident but I maintain Granddad did it deliberately when he threw the kong over grandma’s head and it landed directly behind her. See da problem is Drake and I were so focused on out racing the other that we just failed to see her standing there. Bam! We plowed over her sending her to the ground as the book fell closed and her glasses went flying. Just for the record, I beat him to the kong that day!    From front to back is Hadley, Drake, Dazey and Reznor

Drake's Passages Chapter 5

Okay, okay, I realize now what a dumb move it was to run and how lucky it was that dad forgave and kept me. Despite the cold reception from the self appointed queen of the house, Dazey, I really liked it at Doug’s house.

I had a big yard with a walking path behind it so I spent my days racing up and down the fenceline barking at the neighborhood dogs. Dad would yell at me to stop because they were shrubs, trees and bushes growing along there. I assumed he didn’t want me mashing them down but I think now that it was because I got big cuts on my legs and face from breaking through the bramble. I couldn’t stop because it was so fun and I like to bark and jump and I think I showed Dazey how to have fun because she would run with me along the fence and we’d both get scolded and brought inside. Of course she would try to blame me and would go into hiding after being yelled at but I would lick the air around Dad when he was mad and it always got him laughing. I met my neighbor dogs who were cool but we’d still race up and down the side fence lines barking at each other through the planks. I soon met my cousin Reznor who belonged to my parent’s daughter. He was a full sized Rottweiler who would wrestle and run and chase with me whenever he came over and we have so much fun. My only complaint was when he tried to play with my toys and I’d have to sternly remove them from his mouth. He’d look at me with that pitiful Rotty look but I didn’t care about his feelings. Those were my toys!!

My cousin Reznor and me walking with our dads.

One thing many of my family members know is that I love toys and I love all my toys dearly. Dazey likes only one toy, a thick rubber ball with feet, and if it gets lost, she is lost. Who’s the smart one? I have 3 toy boxes: one for my often used toys, one for my harder, plastic toys and the last is my vintage collection and don’t doubt I take inventory often. I know my dad wants to throw the old, deformed ones away but I keep an eye on him because they are all very important to me and I am very diplomatic about them. Each time someone walks in the door, I will grab a toy to greet them with. I like to rotate them and give everyone a chance to be the toy of the day. Problem is I forget to put them away and dad hollers at me when he trips over them trying to walk through the house. He’s a very nice daddy and puts them away for me but I still count them before bed to make sure everyone is still there.

    Me and some of my friends

Drake's Passages Chapter 4

I remember that day perfectly. Dad had left somewhere and mom was on the treadmill listening to music on her headphones. I was laying a safe distance from the mechanical contraption. Did I mention I hate all mechanical contraptions? Although this one didn’t move or make offensive sounds, I still kept enough distance where I could safely observe my mom. I was excited because it was Saturday which meant grilled steaks and beef fat for me...my life was perfect.

Dad stormed in the door and started to yell for mom except he couldn’t breath so his yelling sounded like choking. Mom pulled off her headphones and ran to assist him. I really don’t understand what was said but dad had ran a long way only to carry something heavy back the same distance. Mom looked alarmed and she turned towards me...something was up and it wasn’t good. Having walked out to the garage, Dad returned with the ugliest, lankiest excuse for a Boxer I had ever seen and brought him into the house. He loped like an antelope and proceeded to zoom around the house sniffing everything in sight including yours truly and her special hind quarters! Ugh...why is he here and when is he leaving? Only here for the weekend? Just a visit to see how he acts? I was shocked that they were considering allowing this mutt into our pristine domicile where I always got the best sleeping spot with mom and dad.

My parents still laugh about how Drake took off for miles and Dad had to chase him because mom didn’t hear the phone while she was on the treadmill. I think they should have realized at the moment the ignoramus jumped his leash and ran from the greatest dad in the world that he was not a keeper. They never listened to me.

Me before the Drakemageddon

Drake's Passages-Chapter 3

Dazey, you’re rude and evil and those things you said are terrible. You are the meanest girl in the world and I am going to ruin your perfect princess reputation by tearing down your delusions of supremacy by telling my tale and proving that everyone loves me.

Look everyone, who is the sexiest dog you’ve ever seen?

Hubba Hubba baby!

My tale started about 9 years ago when a nice family brought me into their home to be a companion to their children. We all know how baby humans and baby puppies are an exhausting combination not to mention a dangerous one. After a couple of years and too many unmentionable things passing through my mouth, I ended up in the doggie hospital with  intestinal blockage brought on by 3 pairs of girls undies, 2 hair ties and one Grinch Christmas sock. I never had an issue tossing or passing these edible treats before but this time it was bad tidings for the appropriately named Bandit. I was in triage and I needed surgery fast but my mommy and daddy couldn’t afford the price to fix my guts. Like the bandits in the old westerns...I was a goner and it was time for me to saddle up and ride into the sunset. This cowdog was being called to the big ranch in the sky.

Stop!! There’s no sad endings in this dog’s life!! My guardian doggie saved my canine butt and I was made brand new thanks to the Angel Paws foundation. I made it through surgery with a neat scar above my junk as a consolation prize and I got to hang around the vet’s office flirting with all the cute female interns. They fought, and I mean clawing and scratching, to take care of my bandages and give me my medicine. I was the king of the vet castle and I was in heaven on earth. Problem was I didn’t have a mommy, daddy or sisters any more.

My new found bachelor life was cut short when a tall man named Doug came to the office one Saturday to see me. He was nice enough and I gave him the Drake smooze like I do to all my admirers but I thought no more when he left the room. I had more important things to do like lick my leg clean. All of the sudden the nurse and the man came in and put a rope around my neck in a makeshift leash. They walked me out of and put me in a black truck where my new man friend drove me away from my lovely veterinarian home. I was in shock! Where was I going? Back to my family? Oh I hoped so because I was missing my little girls and the Little Debbies they would feed me not to mention the socks and tissues they left lying around. Yum!!

We pulled up to a house I had never seen in a neighborhood I had never peed in. Where was I and why was I here? I was being kidnapped...yes!...kidnapped and I needed to act fast. The man named Doug opened the truck door and led me out with the rope. Ala kazam! Like a magician, I had slipped the rope and was running free down the quiet suburban streets of Thornton. I admit the vet’s office was nice, pretty girls and all, but running free is the best feeling in the world and I was finally free like Buck. I turned to see Doug chasing me but he could not keep up with my amazing speed as I kept in front of him for many, many potential pee spots. After all I was a spry 2 year old and full of youthful energy so there was no way that old man would ever catch me! Peaking back, I saw his sweaty, red face and knew my kidnapper would soon fall away.

Oh! Look at that cute chick! Hi cute lady, I’m Drake and I like long walks and sleeping on the bed like a human. Can I smell your...damn, she caught me by my scruff using my kryptonite against me by introducing a femme fatale in my line of sight. Isn’t it always a dame!?

He still had the rope in his hands and we both looked at the red twine and knew it was useless. He grabbed his cell phone and looked disgusted when no one answered which made me wonder what he was going to do with me. The man named Doug ensued to carry me all the way back to his truck which was many a mailboxes and fire hydrants away. I was so embarrassed especially when I saw that German Shepherd staring me down and I knew he was laughing at me inside.

Drake's Passages Chapter 2

    What? Drake is writing a story about his life? Incomprehensible!! The dog is a lout and, despite his claims of pedigree, is most definitely not purebred! One of those nasty street dogs jumped his mother’s fence and left a litter of mutts to be farmed out to unsuspecting buyers as purebred Boxers. Ghastly!!

You, dear reader, should be reading about moi, the Golden Child, Princess Daisy, Goldie, Blond, Blond Goddess, Miss Daisy or by the name my human sister, Katie, named me: Dazey. I am a golden retriever of excellent lineage and keen smelling ability and am truly the favorite of the family especially when I bat those doe eyes and cross one front paw over the other. I reduce them to putty in my paws! I have a loyal following who fight over my attention and adorn me with cuddles and coveted spots next to them on the couch. My story is more interesting than the Supreme Dork’s tale. Oh, he didn’t tell you that nickname, did he? That’s my nickname for the wretched Boxer boy that wrecked into my life 8 years ago and spoiled the quiet sanctuary that my mommy, daddy and I had built and enjoyed.

His Supreme Dorkness Drake

Ladies and gentlemen, please let me steer you away from this sad, sloppy tale of a embarrassment I call my brother. Your time would so much be better spent watching the latest Downton Abbey episode or streaming intellectual Ted talk videos! His life is more like a bad reality show that should be called When Dumb Dogs turn Dumber and the reels would play out like America’s funniest videos playing footage of all the dumb antics Drake does on a daily basis.

There is only so much shtick you can take, right? Trust me...put this story down and open a copy of Call of the Wild. Now there’s a real male dog...howl!! Gentle reader...Drake is not Buck from Call of the Wild.

Drake's Passage's-Chapter 1

ty

Hi, my name is Drake but I am also known as Drakestar, Drakey Louise, and, as my doctor knows me, Drake Esgar. When I first met my Mommy and Daddy, my name was Bandit and I remember them arguing over changing my name. Mom, knowing my history, thought my name was perfect and she thought changing it would be confusing since I’d had the name for the previous 2 years. Daddy always wanted to name a son Drake, his favorite male name besides Xavier to which my Mommy replied, “thank God we didn’t have any sons!”. As usual, my Daddy won and I became Drake although his victory was tainted by mommy “accidently” calling me Bandit just to irk Daddy. She eventually caved in and I have been called a variety of Drake type names as well as Dumbass, Mr. Opportunity, Grey Beard and Sweet Boy. The last is my favorite because I solicit pets and kisses from my parents when they call me that. You don’t want to know what happens when they call me Dumbass but maybe you do?

You may or may not know this but I’m kind of famous around my family. I’ll walk into a gathering and people will stop what they are doing in order to watch me walk, shake my stump and lick the air around my favorite relatives. I have long, floppy jowls that ooze drool and when I see my favorite girl Molly or my other favorite girl Ariel, I get all slobbery and kissy. I actually love all the ladies and they love me and I know this because when I walk up to them they yell out “oh Drake!!”!! I was born a natural charmer and everyone talks about me, watches me, laughs at me, and pets me which must mean that I am famous?

I want to tell you about my life and my adventures or exploits as my parents would call them. I’ve had and will continue to have a pretty darn good life full of running uncontrollably, jumping into the air like a circus dog and eating my dinner as fast as I can. I sleep where I want, do as I please and get all the attention any dog could ask for.

It’s a good story.

Last Chapter to Drake's Passages

Hey everyone! Your favorite kissing boxer, Drake, here to give you that sequel you’ve been clamoring for. There will be no color commentary from my smartallecky sisters on this one and no tabloid tell-alls to embarass me. Nope, this time it's just you and me keeping it real.

It’s been almost 5 months since I last shared my adventures with you and I left off right after my cancer surgery. Remember that you were rooting for my full recovery? I think a tear or two welled up in your eye, right? Well dear fans, I made a brilliant recovery that saw me eating well and playing hard like a 3 year old again. Well, maybe a 7 year old. I saw my whole family for Christmas, we had a big birthday P-A-R-T-Y at the house and I survived my parent’s 8 day, out of the country, vacation. You know what they say about not keeping a good dog down? Howl, howl. Here’s a recent pix of me chilling on the couch, owning this pillow and feeling fine.

I am so blessed to have had such a great life and a story book final chapter. Life is great! Last night I had beer and steak fat then proceeded to sprawl across my parent's bed horizontally.  I woke this morning feeling perky and wanting kibble, a day like many of other days. Kisses goodbye to the folks, my favorite boar strip unchewed in my belly, I had my comfy dog bed under my body for my early morning nap. I was tired and need to rest.

Sure, I’ll miss the fighting females as their miffs and scuffles made me look like a choir boy. I’ll miss the trees and bushes in my backyard as they were my leg’s constant companions. I’ll miss my baskets of cherished toys that gave me comfort while mom and dad went to work. I’ll miss all my family and friends who have given me love, pets and kisses (oh, wait, did I give out those kisses?). Mostly, I’ll miss my mom and dad who made life for an abandoned boy the best possible story any canine could hope for. It is time to cross over into peace and light and, although I’m a little sad to do so, I know that loved ones wait for me and loved ones will come after me and we’ll see each other in another adventure.

Love and kisses,

Drake