Dazey, you’re rude and evil and those things you said are terrible. You are the meanest girl in the world and I am going to ruin your perfect princess reputation by tearing down your delusions of supremacy by telling my tale and proving that everyone loves me.
Look everyone, who is the sexiest dog you’ve ever seen?
Hubba Hubba baby!
My tale started about 9 years ago when a nice family brought me into their home to be a companion to their children. We all know how baby humans and baby puppies are an exhausting combination not to mention a dangerous one. After a couple of years and too many unmentionable things passing through my mouth, I ended up in the doggie hospital with intestinal blockage brought on by 3 pairs of girls undies, 2 hair ties and one Grinch Christmas sock. I never had an issue tossing or passing these edible treats before but this time it was bad tidings for the appropriately named Bandit. I was in triage and I needed surgery fast but my mommy and daddy couldn’t afford the price to fix my guts. Like the bandits in the old westerns...I was a goner and it was time for me to saddle up and ride into the sunset. This cowdog was being called to the big ranch in the sky.
Stop!! There’s no sad endings in this dog’s life!! My guardian doggie saved my canine butt and I was made brand new thanks to the Angel Paws foundation. I made it through surgery with a neat scar above my junk as a consolation prize and I got to hang around the vet’s office flirting with all the cute female interns. They fought, and I mean clawing and scratching, to take care of my bandages and give me my medicine. I was the king of the vet castle and I was in heaven on earth. Problem was I didn’t have a mommy, daddy or sisters any more.
My new found bachelor life was cut short when a tall man named Doug came to the office one Saturday to see me. He was nice enough and I gave him the Drake smooze like I do to all my admirers but I thought no more when he left the room. I had more important things to do like lick my leg clean. All of the sudden the nurse and the man came in and put a rope around my neck in a makeshift leash. They walked me out of and put me in a black truck where my new man friend drove me away from my lovely veterinarian home. I was in shock! Where was I going? Back to my family? Oh I hoped so because I was missing my little girls and the Little Debbies they would feed me not to mention the socks and tissues they left lying around. Yum!!
We pulled up to a house I had never seen in a neighborhood I had never peed in. Where was I and why was I here? I was being kidnapped...yes!...kidnapped and I needed to act fast. The man named Doug opened the truck door and led me out with the rope. Ala kazam! Like a magician, I had slipped the rope and was running free down the quiet suburban streets of Thornton. I admit the vet’s office was nice, pretty girls and all, but running free is the best feeling in the world and I was finally free like Buck. I turned to see Doug chasing me but he could not keep up with my amazing speed as I kept in front of him for many, many potential pee spots. After all I was a spry 2 year old and full of youthful energy so there was no way that old man would ever catch me! Peaking back, I saw his sweaty, red face and knew my kidnapper would soon fall away.
Oh! Look at that cute chick! Hi cute lady, I’m Drake and I like long walks and sleeping on the bed like a human. Can I smell your...damn, she caught me by my scruff using my kryptonite against me by introducing a femme fatale in my line of sight. Isn’t it always a dame!?
He still had the rope in his hands and we both looked at the red twine and knew it was useless. He grabbed his cell phone and looked disgusted when no one answered which made me wonder what he was going to do with me. The man named Doug ensued to carry me all the way back to his truck which was many a mailboxes and fire hydrants away. I was so embarrassed especially when I saw that German Shepherd staring me down and I knew he was laughing at me inside.
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